And by “Bitches” I mean white, heterosexual, men with dicks, and possibly beards, too

You might have wondered how it is that the Eugene Weekly can derisively refer to some musicians as “white guys with beards and dicks”; how columnist Sally Sheklow can declare that straight men smile “like they have spinach in their teeth”; how music writer Kelsey Anne Rankin can give a “big amen” to the idea of killing male exes with a machete, after using them to scratch some itch; all without raising the faintest glimmer of protest here in Enlightened Eugene. Well, Bitches, allow me to fill you in:

As members of an historically, and in some less clear way, still structurally privileged demographic, you simply cannot experience real discrimination. You see, real bigotry isn’t what they taught us in elementary school. It isn’t judgement and bias on the basis of some characteristic like race, class, gender or sexual orientation. Real bigotry, Bitches, has to involve power; and even if you feel relatively powerless, you’re still an abstract member of the privileged class that, axiomatically, can’t experience real discrimination… not for a good long while, anyway.

You’ve got a fuck of a lot of history to atone for. So, suck it up, Bitches! And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll get busy internalizing a shame-driven sense of self-loathing. Submit and internalize and you’re much less likely to make anyone angry. Time for you to learn the lesson of the Bitch Slap: Better to beat yourself than to be beaten by others!